Now back to the story…

I’m one of those people who worries too much. Most people have a fear. I have 3,000. I’m one of those people who researches the bird flu, knows the symptoms to a million different sicknesses, and won’t go to Hawaii without dreading not only flying on the plane there but also the possibility of a tsunami hitting the island or a volcano erupting right in my lap as I sip a Mojito. My mind works differently than most. And mostly these fears don’t hurt anyone. If my fears annoy you, I am certain that it is your problem and not mine and I’m sorry about that. But not really. I wouldn’t harm a fly and I never cheat my children of all the things I fear them doing– and there is a list, believe me. I know my fears are mostly in my head and although I voice these fears outloud, I rarely have a problem eventually sorting out, without anyone’s guidance or help, which ones are me being safe and which ones are me being rediculous. This aspect of Me is part of the ingredients that make me Me, annoying as it may be.

That said, I have faced probably my first real scare and it has shaken the earth I stand on. And I cannot sort the rediculous & paranoid Me from the valid, cautious but ever so intuitionally (I made it up, is it really a word?) wise Me. Time will figure this all out. I just have to wait…

Last June, I found a lump in my breast. I stumbled upon it rather coincidentally because I just don’t pay much attention to these bazooms in general. I called the Dr. the next day. He did an exam, felt the lump and ordered an ultrasound. My good insurance was about to run out so I wanted to get as much done as possible to ease my mind. He sent me for the ultrasound. We were hoping to find that the lump was fluid filled, meaning a cyst. It wasn’t fluid filled. It was solid and it measured 1.7 cm. They called it a tumor. But not necessarily cancerous. He was sure it was just a bi-product of nursing and told me that we’d do another ultrasound in 2 months. “Don’t worry about it, we’ll keep and eye on it.”

I came back in August. He almost seemed surpised to see me. I guess he thought I was being too worrisome, or that it would go away. He ordered another ultrasound. This time it had grown to 2.0 cm. Very aggresive growth, I now know. Again he assured me that he thought it was nothing. He told me that I was really too young to worry about it. He told me that I had my “age on my side” and it was very uncommon for young women to have breast cancer. He told me that I could go have a needle biopsy and now that my insurance was terrible, it would cost me $2000 out of pocket. He didn’t think it was necessary but that was the next step. He said it may go away after I quit breastfeeding. So, I decided to wait and see if it would go away. A $2000 biopsy wasn’t an option and I was afraid this was one of those times my fear was stronger than the reality of there being a problem. I should have taken care of it. I trusted that if the doctor wasn’t very concerned, and he wasn’t, then I shouldn’t be either.

After that, I suffered anger and sadness about not having the money. I was angry that I had friends whose FUCKING dog was getting $4000 procedures done to extend the life of an animal that had terminal cancer. The dog died anyways. I wasn’t mad at them for their choice to take care of their animal, I just thought it sad that an old, dying critter had better health care than a mother of two. I also told one of my only 2 blood family members about the lump and the $2000 procedure that I couldn’t afford to have done, and within the same conversation, they asked me for MONEY to help them pay a bill! WHAT PLANET DO I LIVE ON, PEOPLE?

I saw my OBGYN about this lump last week, 8 months since my last ultrasound, as we have slightly better health coverage now. The lump has grown. I can feel it. But that doesn’t mean that it is cancer, it could be an aggresive growing benign tumor. Who knows. Anyhow, after I told her about it she told me she would order my records and see me at my next OB visit in 3 weeks. She called me two days later. She told me that she was not comfortable with previous Dr.’s diagnosis and was really concerned about the look and behavior of the tumor, she felt it mimicked a cancerous tumor. She said she didn’t know why my previous Dr. was non-chalant about it, but she wasn’t going to be. So, she set me up with an immediate ultrasound (this Monday) and told me that we would probably do an needle biopsy immediately unless the ultrasound showed it unnecessary. I’m betting that the tumor hasn’t changed too much or shrinked at all. I can feel its presense. It reminds me everyday.

Anyhow. I guess I am anxious. I’m not writing this for responses because I have been uneasy about this for 8-10 months now, I don’t really need confirmation or support about it now. I have only mentioned it to two friends and one family member. And we have only talked about it once or twice. But Jeremy has been my rock. He is always my best friend, my support, my nurturer, my protector. He is very loving about it. I guess I am writing about it now because it makes me feel better. And because I planned to chronicle here, not barring the bad stories too.

I’m long winded. I probably lost you way back there in paragraph 2. If you ever find a lump in your breast, you’ll understand the anxiety that goes with that. I have this beautiful family. I need to grow old with them. I need to live to see these children grow up. My love for them is far too strong to leave now. I have so much to do!

I told Jeremy that I am afraid that I already know the outcome of this lump; I’m afraid intuition tells me that I have cancer. But he knows me. He told me not to give it that energy. He told me that I always think the worst. He’s so right. Almost 10 years together, he knows me well.