I never knew
I never knew how hard it was for the women who had to leave their new baby at the hospital when he needed extra care that she couldn’t quite provide. I never knew that longing to just swoop him up from the nurses and love away his ailments and sickness and weakness, and curse their needles, medicines, and hurried touches. Nor have I known what it was like to love someone so intensely that is so fragile that I cannot physically adorn with kisses and hugs and touch. I haven’t whispered ‘I love you’ this much in a 48 hour timeframe to anyone. Ever. Just because it makes me feel better. And because I mean it so intensely!
I am up every few hours wanting to be sleepless by his cries. I want to hear him call for me. I want to sooth him with my voice, and my arms, and my milk. I know that I need him right now more than he does me and I suppose I had never pondered that possibility before– the fact that I need my children more than they need me. It’s very true. They are my muse, my reason, my inspiration, my PURPOSE. And I am utterly humbled by this love.
I know he will be strong soon, and that he will soon be home. And knowing that is enough for me. I will look forward to every small milestone that he acheives as they all add up to a healthy, strong baby Noah who gets to go home with his family. I am grateful for every inch of him and I will work to be peaceful in my waiting.
I miss him now. I am in a room a few feet from the nursery. I am supposed to be sleeping. But I can’t help this mommy thing that literally keeps calling me back to the side of his incubator– to stare longingly and wait.
I never knew what you mothers went through with babies in NICU. Some mothers with babes sicker than others but all knowing the same longing. I never knew, and now I do. It’s 1:05 a.m. and now I say prayers with you. And I say them for you and your little ones. I wish all the NICU little ones and their loving mommas well tonight.
Posted by: stepherz | 06-27-2006 | 01:06 AM
Posted in: General
Oh Steph, I know what you mean, and my heart aches for you. Our little one was only in the NICU a few hours, and I got just a glimpse of these feelings.
We do need them - we need them to need us, because as a mommy your only purpose is to provide for him. I know it must hurt to not be able to hold him - but he knows you are close, and you know he can hear your whispers.
BIG hugs to you and Noah - I know he’ll be in your arms soon!
Hey Steph, I am so sorry you have to feel that kind of longing and ache. It is not fun but I can tell you from experience soon enough it will be in the past and you will be home. You will be amazed at how fast babies progress in the NICU. They always over shoot their stay to compensate for possible problems that may arise. They told me the boys would be there for 3 months, 1 month later they were home with 1 day notice;) I was able to do Kangaroo Care with the twins and I truly believe that helped them and I know it helped me and made me feel I was doing something motherly. Ask if they allow that. Even with all the tubes and wires they can situate him on your chest. Take this time to recover from birth and get back on your feet again b/c soon he will be home and needing those 3am feedings from YOU:) Let me know if you want to talk! Wish we were there to help out!
Love,
Chanda
i cannot imagine how hard it must be for you, and all the NICU mothers. My son was born by emergency caesar because his heartbeat was half what it should have been, and those few hours of my doctor making the decision to delivery to actually getting to hold him were the scariest of my life. Motherhood is all about fear, I’ve decided.
He is under supreme care - they will nurture him for you and he will know you as the person who loves him the most.
I am sorry for the space you feel in your heart. As a new Mother, I can’t imagine having to leave with out my son. You and Noah are in our thoughts today. My little Hunter will get extra kisses in honor of you and Noah. I’m sure he feels your love.
Congrats on the newborn!!! I hope everyone is ok and that you both get to return home soon. Best wishes and hugs!
I found you through perfect post and now I can see why. This is a perspective I had never thought about in quite this way. Thanks so much for opening my eyes, and doing it so beautifully.
I can’t imagine. My friend just had a baby and he was in the NICU for 4 days. It was heartwrenching.
Here’s to many wonderful sleepless nights soon.
[…] I wanted to post a special thank you to my friend, My Float, who recently awarded me the July Perfect Post Award for my post I never knew. It meant so much to me to have everyone’s support and words of encouragement during Noah’s NICU experience. Everyone’s positivity and kindness were great. I’m grateful to My Float for her recognition. […]
Bright light, warmth, and prayers for you and Noah. Welcome, beautiful Noah. (Here from My Float.)