I am still in awe of my trip– the connection with old friends and family I haven’t seen in years, visiting the places that brought back memories, and time moving slow enough that I could really connect with my little family too. It was overwelming at times, with so many emotions wrapped around why I left those 3 towns at different times in my life. The reunions were wonderful though not all quite the way I had hoped. If you don’t go into things with expectations though, you won’t be disapointed.
The visit with my dad’s side of the family made up for the more dramatic visit with my grandma and sister. My cousin met me in Fayetteville and we visited my grandparents together. When I got there, my grandfather told me that he told my dad I was coming and my dad asked him to call him when I got to their house. So, long story short, my dad and I had some talks for the first time in years that were awkward but heartfelt– I think. I think that the longer we went without forgiving, the harder it became to let go of that animosity. You can grow fond of your indifference to someone and it is too comforting to let go of. I can’t imagine having a close relationship with my dad. I love him and I miss him. But I don’t know how to have him in my life now. I don’t know how to totally forgive what happened. I don’t know if I can let go of how wronged I feel and how responsible I feel he is for that. I guess we’ll see where things go. I, for my own karma, will try to connect again with him without pointing fingers. If something happened to him, and I lost my only parent, I would be heartbroken regardless of how distant we have been. At that point, the indifference and the hard feelings won’t matter anymore.
I picked right up where I left off with my cousins and grandparents. That visit was amazing. My grandfather called my dad and told him to come over. When he saw my dad pull up in the front yard, he tried to get me to hide behind a chair so I could pop out and surprise my dad. Imagine a 80 something year old man trying to move a huge, heavy chair away from the wall to put his nearly 6 foot tall, 30 year old grandaughter behind! I’m nearly in tears thinking about it right now. I’m sick from wanting to see them again but I look forward to my cousin’s wedding next spring which I INSIST I’m going to so that I can see her finally get married, and to reconnect with the family I have spent too many years away from.
I’m so grateful to my cousin for meeting me there, and being supportive. I’m so glad she was there to make things more comfortable. I was also so happy to see her after so many years. She and I were best buds growing up and she was always what made my visit with dad more comfortable during summers and Christmas breaks. It is ironic because, as adults, that is what she was for me again during that visit with my dad– She was my security. I remember as kids that when I’d visit my dad, seeing her was the only thing that kept me at his house. She would stay a few days and then have to go home. As soon as she left I would start crying and my dad would put me on the next Amtrak train home to my mom. I feel like I picked right back up with her where we left off, 12 years, college, marriages, and 6 kids later (between the two of us). Such an awesome part of my visit.
Ohhhhh, but the drama at my german grandma’s house picked right up where it left off too. It didn’t have the effect on me that it once did because now I am grown enough to be in a place financially and emotionally that I can get in my rental car and leave when it got weird. And it got weird. I got into town on Friday and had to visit with my cousins, granparents, sister’s baby, and my german grandma in less than 24 hours. I started with my sister’s baby and that was an awesome visit. Then I spent the afternoon with my cousins, dad, and grandparents. By the time I was done there it was late, I hadn’t eaten all day, and had a headache that would make a grown man fall to his knees in tears. So I called my grandma and asked her if it would be alright to just come by in the morning on my way out and take her to breakfast and spend a few hours with her (which was all I had promised anyways). Noooooo. She wanted me to know that she had waited all day for me to come by (even though I told her I wasn’t sure when I could come by for sure). She wanted me to know how PUT OUT she was having to wait for me all day and how she was going to go to the mall and buy some face creme but didn’t because she didn’t want to miss me. So, she asked me to go do the makeup shopping for her– At the mall, with all my children who had been in a car for 5 hours that day already, with a growling, hungry belly and a splitting headache– All because she was PUT OUT by my not visiting on HER time. So, I went to the mall and bought her stupid $50 moisturizer and free Estee Lauder gift- with my 3 kids, a hungry tummy, and a mind numbing headache, and brought it to her doorstep at 8 at night.
This is the same woman who excepts a check I send her monthy to help out with bills and yet always gripes about how she is so broke. So broke that she wears $50 moisturizers. Jeremy points out that, now that she is 75 years old, she isn’t too likely to see much benefit from anti-aging moisturizers. Even if they are the expensive kind.
By the way, she also guilted me into paying for half of the moisturizer, because she is so broke and everything. SUCKER!
Anyhow, I’ll cut this off here and post more later…
Entries (RSS)