I’ve been fired

Jeremy: I’m going to post on your blog what a terrible housewife you are.

Me: Why?

Jeremy: Look at that plant. You let it die. I’m going to tell the whole internet about it. You should be fired as a housewife for that.

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On the slightly less humorous side of this, I am losing my housewife job. I start back to work on Monday. My heart hurts so bad thinking about it, it feels so unnatural. Our bodies quickly forget the pain of childbirth but our hearts NEVER forget the hurt of leaving our child with a stranger for the first time.

I feel pretty choked up about it. Jeremy told me after I had Noah that he thought we would be better off if I quit my job and weren’t paying $1330 a month just for childcare. I felt that it would hurt us emensely financially if I wasn’t bringing in my income. I make a very good salary for my line of work in this area. I know for a fact that it would be VERY hard to replace this job later. And I was afraid that we’d get into a financial pickle and, after 6 months of being a stay at home mom, I’d have to go back into the job market. That scares me because I can’t imagine starting over again at $12-$15 an hour somewhere else. I have so much invested too– a growing 401K, a nice retirement package, a great environment, respect, and so much interaction with the public. I chose to nearly exhuast our savings to pay for Noah and Bella’s childcare while I was out of work on maternity leave (so that we wouldn’t lose their spot in the daycare as there is a long waiting list) instead of pulling them out of daycare and actually keeping a savings. I feel in this moment that I chose my job over my children. Jeremy offered me a stay at home mom position and I turned it down for financial comfort. And not much of that.

I could have been a stay at home mom. I could have had the coolest job ever. I was scared of skimping on things because we’d be tighter on cash. I was scared of starting over again in my career. I was scared we wouldn’t make it on one income. I thought I made the right choice but when I stare into this little guys sweet, loving eyes– I realize I may have goofed and chose wrong. Or did I? Isn’t the financial stability a good feeling? I’ve been broke before and I don’t want to visit there again. Is it selfish to feel that way? I don’t want to leave my children at a daycare (even though our daycare is the most loving and nurturing on Earth), I want to play & sing & cuddle & laugh.

Urggghhhhh! Ackkkkkkkkkk! Grrrrrrrrraaaaah! Being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and the guilt!? OHHHHH, the guilt! I feel guilty no matter what I do as a mother, I always think I made the wrong choice. I’m hardly ever confident in my decisions for them. And the more kids I have, the more guilty I feel! Uck. (Of course there are many wonderful emotions that come with being a mom that make up for that guilt thing)

Thanks for letting me air. I guess that’s all I needed to do. I’m finishing my last few hours as a stay at home mom right now. Cuddling on the couch. With my very most favorite infant in the world.

Thank goodness they love me.

Posted by: stepherz | 09-29-2006 | 03:09 PM
Posted in: General