Twenty-four, People. Twenty-four.
Saturday night at approximately 7:32 pm I was hit, like a speeding freight train, by a stomach bug. Yes, it was so sudden and so intense that I actually remember the very moment it humbled me into a hunched over, whiney, gurgling mess of a woman. I looked at the clock and said,
“Meh. And Uck. I’m going to bed.”
So there I slept peacefully, with a plastic grocery bag clenched in my fist, until 11 p.m., when I could no longer ignore the rumbling and bitching of a very pissed off, angry set of bowels. I prefer the illnesses that make you rest. This sickness had a personality all its own. It had every intention of keeping me very aware of my stomach all. night. long. And, to be honest with you, I don’t really give a shit about bonding with my belly at 1 a.m. on a Sunday morning. Ya know?
I spent the wee morning hours gently coaxing water down my throat. With each sip I meditated and prayed that this one little sip would stay down.
“I must drink. I will keep it down. I. will. do. it. for. Noah. (because breastmilk made of dust is not very tasty or nutritional). For Noah. I can do it.”
The sickness literally lasted 24 hours– hence it is called a 24-hour bug. Not 12 hours. Not 23 hours. Twenty-four whole, complete, and total fucking hours. Hmph.
Ok, so I am recovered now and I was thinking this morning, after weighing in 5 pounds lighter, that this is how those skinny bitches like Paris and Nicole keep their hott, sexy bones poking out (Meh! Uck!). They throw up. I was looking at my naked body in the mirror this morning (no bones poke out, let me tell ya) and I was all (imagine a valley girl accent),
“I totally, like, weigh 5 pounds less than I did yesterday! Yeah… Like, Totally! I guess I won’t need that seaweed-mocha-enema at the resort in the Bahamas after all!”
Kidding aside (not that enemas are funny), Paris Hilton and all of her skinny, debutante, socialite friends are stupid bitches because there is nothing funny about spending 24 hours throwing up just to be skinny. Someone hand that girl some meat. Throw her some fried chicken! Shit, throw me some fried chicken, I’m the one who lost 5 pounds!
Geesh.
And being that Jeremy and I share everything, and because he is my best friend, and since I love him sooooooo very much…
I introduced him to the 24 hour bug. I’m sorry, Baby!
Posted by: stepherz | 10-30-2006 | 06:10 AM
Posted in: General
ugh. so sorry to hear about the icky weekend. stomach bugs are like my worst nightmare - i’m such a baby when it comes to nausea and vomiting!
glad to hear you’re feeling better - and i hope it doesn’t hit the kids next!!
Yuckity yuck…sounds awful…though I did enjoy your Paris rant
UGH! There’s been some kind of stomach bug going around. None of my family has gotten it yet, but it seems that everyone else I know has. I wouldn’t really mind losing 5 pounds though
Being that I’m getting side effects that are causing me similar problems I completely empathise and hope you don’t get a repeat anytime soon! At least you’re recovered in time for Halloween!!
Ahhh, true love
So sorry to hear about the yuckies. I hate being that sick. I could never be one of those skinny biotches because I hate getting sick.
I’m happy to be “twice” the person they are. hehe
Throwing up is the worst thing in the world to me….I just hate it.
Funny post….I like you.
Just saying hi, I came over from Claire’s! She had these good things to say about ya.