Sleeping arrangements
ughhh. ohhhhhh. my heart! it hurts!
I’ll start by sharing that Bella and Noah both slept/sleep in our bed. I’m a huge advocate for attachment parenting, so much so that I compromise my own (and Jeremy’s) comfort at times. Bella moved into her own bed when she was about 6,7 months old and has never spent a moment in our bed since then. She pretty much weaned herself from our bed. I just started putting her in her crib after she’d fall asleep and she would sleep right through until morning. Tooooo easy! The problem with co-sleeping and nursing together is that the baby gets used to not only needing nursing to fall asleep but also the comfort of mom the entire time they sleep. This isn’t convenient during naptimes because I don’t always want to nap with Noah, but he won’t stay asleep after I get him to sleep unless I stay. Means he’s grumpy all day or I’m completely consumed by his naps because this kid wants 2 or 3 2 hour naps. I love him, I love our connection and bond, I love the way we cuddle when we sleep– but there comes a time when they have to move to their own bed.
So last night was the night I decided to start weaning him to his bed. I decided I’d go in every 5 minutes to comfort him while he cried– just rub his belly, tell him he is ok, and then leave. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat until he sleeps. I knew it would be hard because his cries make me want to comfort. It’s unnatural to let him cry. Humanity would cease if it weren’t for a mother’s need to respond to her child’s cries!
It didn’t work. I put him to bed after he fell asleep in my arms nursing. He stayed asleep after I put him down, I closed the door, walked away with fingers crossed. I loaded the dryer, made a bowl of cereal (for dinner, yes), and then he started absolutely bawling. His cries were soooo intense! I put my cereal down and went to comfort him in is room for a moment. I came out, grabbed my cereal, and went straight to my bedroom where I put my fan on high so I couldn’t hear. I scarfed my cereal, stared at the clock, tried to swallow the lump in my throat. Finally 5 minutes passed. I hoped I’d open the door and he’d be asleep. Nooooo such luck, Buddy. No such luck. I went into his room, talked to him, rubbed his belly, kissed his soaking wet face. He grabbed at me and made this noise as if saying, “Please, Momma. I love you. Please, Momma! Get me!” I started bawling y’all. I cried outloud and grabbed him up. Jeremy said I ran from his room with him back to my room, cradling him as if something horrible had happened. Gawd, I’m so fucking emotional. Jeremy told me it was ok, that Noah would not remember what happened, and that I would wean him when I was really ready.
I’m not ready. It seems so crazy, something this easy being so hard. I mean, I know there are mothers in the world making choices and decisions for their children so much more significant than this! Stop making it a big deal. Just let the child cry, right?
I have a friend who made her baby sleep by himself at 12 weeks old in his crib. He is Noah’s age. She said it was “tough love” and that she needed to get sleep or she couldn’t function. She said he’d probably cry but she couldn’t hear because he was in another part of the house. It fascinates me because she tells me how he and her toddler are both in bed by 8 and she and her hubby have time together. Obviously we don’t have that in our house most nights. Noah goes to bed at 8, at 10, at 6, but it is always in my arms and it is almost always that he is held until I too go to bed.
I think 5 miscarriages made me clingy. I am ever so affectionate with these children and I REQUIRE their closeness where some parents need more seperateness.
I feel guilty no matter what. I feel guilty for not having taught Noah to comfort himself more from the beginning, yet I feel guilty for even thinking about putting such a tiny boy in such a big, scary bed by himself. He’s so small, but he has me wrapped around that little finger at least 300 times.
I just love the little dude. Do you see how perfectly he fits in my arms? He belongs here!
This is Nooskers just seconds after I rescued him from his crib. He nearly instantly fell asleep. I wiped his tears, held him close, and then he immediately zonked out. The comfort in mom’s arms.
Posted by: stepherz | 12-29-2006 | 01:12 PM
Posted in: Just Me | Momma
I have the same problem with my son… except he’s 3 years old.
Every baby is different, every parent is different. Don’t beat yourself up. If you need to be close to your son, he will follow your lead. If a parent needs space, the baby will follow that too (in most cases). I was and still am a parent that NEEDS my sleep, so I will try just about anything to get my child to comfort himself, put himself to sleep and sleep for long intervals. Sadly this week he’s teething and dealing with a cold, so what else am I to do but nurse him more, hold him more and be up in the night more.
Being a mom is a tough job but oh so rewarding. You are doing just fine. Hold him close while you still can. I love this photo of Noah. Reminds me of my own sleeping angel.
You’re a great mum…and it will come when you’re ready. Some little ones just need more comfort than others. My son sleeps in his own bed but wakes up during the night and eventually sleeps in our bed. I’m used to it now (he’s almost three.) I just figure that the time will come when he won’t want that closeness anymore, so I’ll cherish it while I can. And given I’m not sure if there will be any more children (sob), I’m quite happy to make the most of the one I have.
Don’t beat yourself up or feel you need to justify yourself. For whatever reason, you need Noah and he needs you, and at the moment, that means co-sleeping. Just know that you are a great mother.
PS. Did you get my email a while back? The first email I sent you bounced back, so I’m not sure if the second ever made it to you.
Oh the “where does the kiddo sleep?” trials and tribulations. I remember them fondly…. NOW…. THEN…. Hoooo Boy.
When the Mister and I first started coupledom, I had to adjust to the fact that when we became a “we” that our we equaled 3 not two. Alot of times Zach (then 4) would sleep in our bed. That is until Sam came along…. Sam was a co sleeper until halfway thru this year (he’s now 4) and weaning him from the bed was tough (not for us… for him). Then TJ came along and we had to take drastic measures since Zach, Sam, and TJ all wanted to lie about in our bed with us. That’s asking alot of a queen sized bed!
Point is, do it when YOU are ready…. but DO do it before he gets old enough to start stealing the covers and pillows. It may mean putting his crib in your room and by your bed then slowly moving him away as he gets accustomed. It may mean having to listen to him cry. It may mean having to wait until he’s old enough to pick out his own toddler bed and sheets and WANTS to sleep away from you. It may mean having to give him a tshirt you wore earlier in the day to sleep with as a blankie because he will smell you with him as he sleeps. Whatever it is you have to do, do what works… no matter how weird it sounds to other people.
My sister is just like you. My niece who is 5 and Melanie and the baby sleep in the “big” bed. Her husband most often sleeps in the little girl’s room. Her son Caleb actually does sleep in his own bed but he is 9 and I don’t think they would all fit. Though he loves her lying in his room letting him fall asleep before he is left alone.
I kid her that I would have been the mean cold mom- like your friend- that left them at 12 weeks alone to sleep so I could get mine. I can’t say really what I would’ve done but I just can’t see my personality letting them stay too long in the bedroom with me. Maybe it is because mom never let me sleep with her. Even when my dad worked 3rd shift and it was just us.
Anyway, I think it shows amazing patience and love and sacrafice on your side to put their needs first always…and I say that as a good thing. They are lucky to have such a loving mother. You wait and wean when you are ready!
Don’t feel guilty, Momma! Xan is almost 8 months old and I think he’s only slept a couple nights by himself in the co-sleeper (like, 2 inches away from me). I panicked a couple times when I woke up an he wasn’t next to me. I’m a first time mom, with no history of loss… and I’m still as clingly to my son as he is to me.
In the end, I’d much rather err on the side of giving too much physical love and closeness.
Oh, and… Happy New Year!!
It is someone else’s “norm” that says your child is not supposed to sleep with you. To echo what everyone else has already said - you just do what feels okay whenever you’re ready for it. I know EXACTLY what you mean about the crying - I cannot listen to it, no matter how tired I am or how badly I want my little one to do something. If she’s not ready and she really cries - I will give in and I don’t care what anyone else says about it.
I’ve been lucky that she adjusted to her own crib fairly easily. She was in the co-sleeper in our room for the first four months, then I had to move her out simply because she really got too big for it (I have the mini). The switch didn’t phase her much at all - but it was really hard on me at first, both because I missed her and because I had to go a lot further in the middle of the night to feed and comfort her when she woke up.
She’s still waking once or twice in the night (just over 7 months old) and some people tell me that I should wean her off of that middle of the night feeding. I don’t think it’s going to happen unless she does it herself though because I can’t really do “tough love” anyway, and it’s definitely harder in the middle of the night when I’m exhausted and I know that I could stop her crying instantly and have her back asleep in fifteen minutes if I just feed her!
You’re doing awesome, and Noah can only benefit from all the love you give him!