This past weekend we travelled to a small CO town to ride their infamous Polar Express train ride. It was absolutely amazing! It was dark outside, so the sights weren’t great but the trip was so much fun.

The kids got to wear their adorable matching christmas jammies. They were the cutest kids on the train!

We ate rice crispy treats, drank hot cocoa, and sang Christmas songs. We read the Polar Express book. We had a dancing Chef who was both super sweet and kind of creepy at the same time. Her name was Jenny, and Jenny was quite a character. She nearly demanded that the babies take a picture with her. When I obliged, Noah started squeeling and squirming to get away. Would you like to see the picture? Yeah, you know you want to!

“GRRoooowwll. TAKE A PICTURE WITH ME! Grrrowwlll.”

But the kids did love getting to see Santa, and taking pictures with him was more comfortable for everyone. He was a pleasant jolly and not a pushy jolly.

It was a great time for everyone but Austin, who quickly fell asleep and ocassionally lifted his head long enough to gripe about not having his iPod. Spoiled American Child. I love him, but he is spoiled. I know that’s my fault, not his. But still.

I asked him why he wasn’t having fun.

“Why would I?”

“Because your ticket cost $35. That’s WHY! You could at least pretend for $35!”

I remember well being 13 years old and being forced to do the goofy family stuff. I didn’t always love it. I’m pretty sure I wore a long face 80% of the time. But I’m glad for those memories now. He can thank me later. He’s too busy feeling sorry for himself right now to thank me.

But Bella and Nooskers had enough fun for their big brother. She shook her jingle bells all night. Noah danced and had a blast socializing. It was such a fantastic trip! It was such a great time that I think we’re going to make it a Christmas tradition every year!

Since Bella was teeny tiney, when I would refer to privates, I would call hers and mine a “cricket.” Girls have crickets. I just never even mentioned what boys had.

Well, now that Bella is nearing her 3rd birthday and is as bright and smart as the day is long, I figured it’s probably an ok time to explain the “true” names for privates– both boys and girls. She’s obviously smart enough to observe that Noah’s parts are different looking than her own, and so it was time to at least give things their proper names. Two days ago, I explained things as simply as I could…

“Bella, girls have a v@gin@, and boys have a pen!s.”

“Ohhhhh.”

So today, Bella was watching me change Noah’s diaper. She’s handing me wipes, as always. She says, completely out of the blue,

“Mommy. Boys have peanuts. Girls have jars.”

Peanuts, Pen!s. V@gin@, Jar. It’s all the same…

You expect it to get easier. You would think that having an excitement for a mere 2 weeks would mean the disappointment when it’s over wouldn’t make your heart so very heavy. After 5 miscarriages, this one shouldn’t be so heartbreaking.

Six miscarriages. Six miscarriages.

I woke up this morning to cramping and bleeding. I guess I knew it was coming. My nausea quickly faded 4 days ago and was replaced by waves of, what I wanted to believe, were “growing pains”. I knew the sign of fading nausea all to well. And I should have started preparing myself then– four days ago. I instead started picking out fabrics to make him/her a blankie to come home in from the hospital.

“Positive thinking, Steph. Baby is fine.”

I knew if I did miscarry, it would be easier than before. I’ve had 2 healthy beauties since those last 5 miscarriages. Their sweet presence has been utterly healing. But. This time?When everyone leaves the room, my eyes well up just as they did those last 5 times. And the cramping plagues my heart suddenly more than my womb. And I mourn a little life I had 2 long, wonderful weeks to celebrate and look forward to.

I always wonder if I did smething wrong. Was it something I ate? Did I lift something too heavy? What did I do? But it wasn’t me. I didn’t do anything. It’s always been my nature to feel guilty, to blame myself. But there’s nothing I could have done differently. This was in the plan. And one day I will understand it.

When I read A Thousand Splendid Suns, by Khaled Hosseini, I read a few paragraphs that really made me feel. I was aware of my pregnancy when I started the book, so these peices really stayed with me…

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“Mariam stroked the softness of her belly. No bigger than a fingernail the doctor had said.

I am going to be a mother, she thought. Then she was laughing to herself, and saying it over and over, relishing the words.

When Mariam thought of this baby, her heart swelled inside of her. It swelled and swelled until all the loss, all the grief, all the loneliness and self-abasement of her life washed away…”

The book had another little piece that I memorized. The author wrote,

“Each snowflake that falls is a sigh heaved by an aggrieved woman somewhere in the world. All the sighs drift up into the sky, gather in the clouds, then break into tiny pieces that fall silently on the people below.”

“It’s a reminder of how quietly we women endure all that falls upon us.”

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It’s alright. I have been blessed 3 times over. Austin… Bella… Noah… Somehow just saying their names feels like a blessing. Someone smiled upon me. It’s just going to be alright.

Today I will spend time– praying, cuddling, and laughing where I can. I might squeeze in some tears too, becuase that’s alright as well, isn’t it? Tears are good for the soul too.

When my sister was a toddler, one of my chores every night was to brush her teeth and read her a book before bed. I read to her every single night, Seuss being her favorite.

When Austin was a baby, I started reading to him while he was in the womb. I even bragged that, in his first 5 years of life, I only missed reading a book before bed a handful of times. If we knew we’d have a different routine one night, I brought some books along so that we’d still read before bed whether in the car or at a friends or in a hotel. I was sure he’d grow up to be a book lover, but he didn’t. Perhaps that will change over the years. But one thing is for sure, Austin has always been very bright and has always had excellent grades and I think the reading helped.

With that said, I thought it would be fun to recommend a book once in awhile. We visit the library every Wednesday and check out a few new books, and a few oldies-but-goodies. So I should be able to mention some good ones. I’ll share Bella and Noah’s reactions to the books in my review too, because that’s the important part.

To begin with, I’d like to recommend:

The Three Snow Bears by Jan Brett

It was suiting for the cold snowy weather we’ve had! It’s a great story reading while cuddling under blankets on a snowy night. It’s a lovely story which is similar to Goldilocks and the 3 bears. All kids (and adults) love that one, so this one won’t miss. It’s on the bestsellers list right now, and I can see why. It’s got fantastic illustrations that keep the child’s attention. Using different voices for the characters is super fun, and the kids love it. Noah didn’t sit still for the whole book, which he often doesn’t. But he did like pointing at the pictures and laughing at my deep papa bear voice. Bella just thought this book was the greatest thing. She talked about bears all week after we read this one. She also requested reading it the next night rather than reading her other new picks. That’s a great sign that a book is good! Go check it out for your tots, they will love this sweet tale!