This has been an absolutely insane 24 hours, y’all. But, as the title suggests, I am a step closer to better. It’s all uphill from here.

Yesterday after lunch, I took the babies outside for a spell on the swingset before naptime. We were having a grand time– laughing, singing. I would give Noah a tiny push on the swing and take a step or two over to give Bella a push. Back and forth. Normally I wouldn’t even take my hands off of Noah while he’s on the swing, but he was doing so well on it– like a big boy. And, as tough as he is, and as low to the ground as his swing is, I wouldn’t worry terribly if he did tumble. And that’s exactly what he did. I gave Bella a push and was heading back over to Noah when he fell backwards right onto his back & head. He had this unbelievable cry. You know– the kind that takes your breath away for a few seconds while you manifest the powerful noise that releases some of that pain into the air. When he finally actually made some noise, after quite some time, I could tell it hurt terribly. The guilt rushed through my entire body like the hurt ran through his. I held him close and whispered to him that it was going to feel better soon. “Shh. Shh. Shh. It’s OK, Baby. Shh. Shh. Shh. It’s going to be OK.”

About 30 seconds into his intense crying, he collapsed in my arms suddenly into complete silence. My heart absolutely left my body. I think it’s still lying on the ground outside. I screamed to Austin to call 911. “My baby is unconscious! OMG! My baby is unconscious!” I jostled him lightly for about 20 seconds, “Come on Noah. Open your eyes. Look at Mommy.” He finally came to, vomited all of his lunch, and continued crying. The ambulance showed up after 5 minutes, by this time he was acting like nothing had happened. But we boarded on that $1000 ride to the hospital anyways because there was no way I was taking chances with Noah’s little sweet noggin’. I would have driven my car, but, of course, the Bitch won’t drive right now. I think the freakin’ EMS ought to offer limo service for that $1000 price. But they were very nice, very thoughtful, and they got my baby to the hospital.

Long, long story short– Noah took a nice, long nap at the hospital and then woke up hollering for snacks and trying to run through the halls like his normal, crazy self. His little brain is perfect, though he did have a concussion. My little, cute accident prone boy. He’s my sweet surviver.

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The stress of the day got me to cramping something fierce last night. I knew I wasn’t going to make it until Monday for that d&c. I woke this morning to some spotting and my heart sunk. I quickly called the doctors office, I didn’t want this to happen at home. I had already prepared my heart and body for the d&c and the thought of it brought me some relief.

“Lord, please let this hold off. Please let this wait until I get to the hospital.”

We got to the hospital and they immediately called the surgery staff in from their quiet Saturday routines. When every one was there, they wheeled me into the operating room, put me into a peaceful drug induced slumber, and I woke 30 minutes later to an empty womb and a smiling nurse who told me it went well. It went well.

And I thought I would cry afterwards. I cried on the way in. But afterwards I realized that this insanely heavy weight… burden… ache… had left me. I felt such relief. And I actually smiled when the nurse tried to make me laugh. Hoooly Moooly! I smiled! For the first time in 1 week and 1 day– I could breathe. I could heal now. I could move forward. I could smile!

I am soooo… completely… thankful to God for being so good at answering, and being observant and loving with my needs as a woman, and a mother. Because I know we can be difficult and emotional and special creatures. But He knows how to love us and to look out for our needs. In His own time, maybe. But He’s there. This experience has restored more of my Faith, and some closeness to Him. I know I’m far from the perfect Christian. I worship at home and not with the masses. I curse sometimes. I drink once in awhile. But I love God. And we are good people. I know He smiles down on me, and my family. I called myself a Christian Agnostic, or an Agnostic Christian, a year ago. Now I know that was foolishness. Just Call me a Christian. I don’t understand God or religion completely, but perhaps I should do the work of changing that instead of labeling myself something else I also don’t quite understand– Agnostic Christian. Christian Agnostic. That’s something I call myself because I’m insecure about my Faith. And aren’t we all just a little bit insecure, sometimes, at some point? That doesn’t change God though. That just gives me an excuse to be lazy about learning and bettering myself, and sifting through the massive amounts of information on God (and all the interpretations of Him and his Word) until I find something that feels good to me. Either I’m a Christian or I’m not. And if I am, I need to be diligent about growing in that most important role. Not just for me. But for my children too.

The pain from the d&c is minimal. In fact, I feel better physically tonight than I did this morning, despite the surgery and anesthesia. Anesthesia is so hard on the body and it stays in your system for quite some time. But, though I don’t feel quite up to par, I feel FANTASTIC compared to yesterday. It’s as if my body knows we’re going to be moving forward now. Maybe my body knows that because my heart does.

I’m scheduled for getting my IUD in 1 month. And for the first time ever, I actually feel like my family is complete. Noah was the cherry on top. I never felt that before. But I do now.

Thank you for listening. Thank your for being my friend. Have a beautiful weekend.