I’ve been MIA for a few days. I’m crankin’ out some arts and crafts for our craft fair on the 26th. Hopefully I’ll be back soon to post some pics of the things we’re doing. I’m missing my camera USB cord so I can’t share the pics I took until it surfaces (probably under all the fabric and paint and canvas and clutter that has swallowed my once clean home).

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In other news, I went for my IUD consult appointment on Friday. I’m sure it’s what I want but I did feel that the doctor was almost trying to talk me out of it. I think he thinks that I am making a decision about my fertility in an emotional, hasty moment. But that’s not true at all. I just can’t do this (miscarriages) anymore. And I’ve done it enough times to know that I can’t do it again. Yes, I am still emotional about the last loss. But that’s not why I’m done childbearing. I’m done because I’m done.

Just knowing I’ve had 7 little heartbeats in my tummy and those 7 heartbeats stopped in my tummy… It really makes me sad. It’s a weird thought to have. But I guess what I’m getting at is that I know my womb must not be a place where a baby can flourish and thrive. I’ve had more losses than healthy babies (but I am SO thankful for those 3 healthy, beautiful beebs). I just feel some guilt knowing that my body somehow is causing the death of a little entity– no matter how tiny/early it is– there’s some guilt in that.  It somehow seems selfish and cruel to keep trying.

And my family is beautiful and complete. There’s no longing. I am content and happy and loved.