Chanda, maybe we’ll move back one of these days and I’ll take you up on that BBQ!

enjoy the sunshine

First of all, let me say that my husband and I both come from dysfunctional families of the top echelon. I haven’t spoken to my mother in months because I dared to stick up for my sister, whom she has treated like the utmost garbage for years—totally unwarranted.

My mother has always had mental and anger issues, and my father is very passive.

My husband and I met in and married in Butte County, just a short distance from his parents and mine. I made so much effort to see them a lot, to make them a regular part of our lives. When my eldest was born, we tried even harder. But something is fundamentally wrong with my mom and it prevents her from having mature, deep relationships with anyone. Why should my sister or I be special?

When the economy, for us, started to go bad, my husband and I decided that we needed to strike out in another state. There WERE other places to live than California, after all! So, we made up our mind, sold our house (at the top of the market, thank God), and moved to a rental to await hubby’s eventual new job in Oregon. I was also pregnant with Little Man. These were the five months that we would be living nearby with two granddaughters. Then, my mother got all twisted about some perceived slight. She cut off all communication until I apologized (for what, I still don’t know, but she’s that way). So there we sat, within arm’s reach and nothing. They even delivered my daughters’ Christmas presents through a third party!

Hubby’s parents seem saner, but it’s not much different in practice. His mom is very manipulative, but sweet as sugar to your face. She loves to dish behind our backs, though. I know this because of the severity in which she dished about my sister-in-law to me.

Both sets of grandparents send gifts and cards to the kids, but nobody calls—my kids have to call them. For both sets, we have to make the effort. I will say, his parents did visit twice. It was pleasant the first time, the second time his father was pissed the whole time because he’d have rather visited his brother in Arkansas. My parents came up for my 40th birthday party because my sister paid all transportation and hotel (the nicest one in town). Yes, this is the same sister that my mom never appreciates. That was a fun time, also.

But I had this nightmare one night that the grandparents tried to steal custody, after watching this Dr. Phil about a grandmother who did that, and then proceeded to badmouth the mom to her grandson every time she had him. But when I woke up, something occurred to me: We couldn’t do a better job of keeping the grandkids from the grandparents if we changed our names and moved to another country.

I think it’s just that I figure you have to treasure these times, and I have to face the fact that these things are simply not important to my parents or his parents. It’s like they do what they think they should and no more. They are all so self-focused. My parents both work in a funeral home and you’d think the dead people are complaining if they don’t show up every single day. They’re SO indispensible to the corpses, but in never occurs to them that their grandkids might want to know them.

My mother-in-law, I don’t know whether she loves or hates me. You just wouldn’t know. We are very cordial in the same space, but it’s never very deep.

So, I decided after that five month episode that we were going to have to find grandparents for the kids. Believe it or not, there are tons of willing older people out there. We became friends with a woman who owns a restaurant, and if the kids need hugs and spoiling, we go there, and she fills their pockets with candy and picks them up and swings them around, planting kisses on their cheeks the entire time.

My sister has lucked into the parents of her oldest friend. Her friend never had kids, but Mr. and Mrs. T have become their grandparents. They watch them while my sister goes to Vegas with her husband for a weekend and they are at EVERY Thanksgiving, Christmas, and so on. They call them Grandma and Grandpa T, and my parents have the audacity to rake my sister over the coals because they call them that.

So, we’re trying to fill their lives just with people that love them. Our old next door neighbors are like grandparents to them as well. They adore Gene and Kathleen. So my advice would be to fill their lives with people who love them. As far as your relationship with her? Sometimes it’s not a match. But she is too obtuse to realize that YOU are the most important woman in her son’s life now. I never understood mothers that don’t get that. Your neighbor clearly gets it. For her to behave that way toward her daughter-in-law only ensures much more time with her grandkids. I hate to say it, but it’s currency. I don’t want to use my kid in any sense of the word, but I can’t let them go stay with either set, because I know how self-absorbed they are, and how low their tolerances are for doing extra work, which kids are, no matter how delightful.

So, I feel for you, but take my advice. Your time and emotions will be better spent on those who give a damn, not beating your head against the wall. If your husband wants more, then he’ll let you know. But your core family is the most important, and you can’t send your kids anywhere where they will be poisoned against you.

My heart really goes out to you, you have no idea how similar your story sounds to mine.