We had the most fantastic week! Stacey and Justin came with their wee one, Niki, last Saturday and we spent the week playing, eating, lounging, laughing, reminiscing… It was just like old times! We enjoyed many games of spades while they were here. Anyone who partnered with me was sure to lose and Stacey seemed to be the only one who didn’t mind. You can see from our scorecard that she and I were the “Galloping Girls” and she named the guy’s team the “Bantering Boys”. They didn’t like the word “Bantering” apparently, insisting that the word is “gay”. Just so you know, never use the word “bantering” in the same sentence you refer to your husband. It’s a bit uncomfortable for those manly men! 
Jeremy, Me, Justin & Stacey circa 1998
Jeremy, Me, Justin & Stacey May 2008
Just a little history: Jeremy, Austin, and I spent nearly every weekend with Stacey and Justin when we lived in Asheville. They were like family. We have so much history and we are lifelong friends. They are the only ones who know who I’m talking about when I mention ol’ “Hairy Mike” or “Crazy Judy” and they are the only ones who remember how cute Austin was when he waddled around in diapers.
Austin catching his first fish with Jeremy & Justin (circa 1999):
Me & Stace fishing off the tailgate (1999). True Southern Girls! Only we don’t hook the worms-YUCK!:
The whole time they were here we listened to 90’s alternative on Sirius Radio. It was the music we listened to then. It was interesting sitting around the table with our old friends… playing cards and enjoying drinks… laughing about some of the same things we did back then… observing the lines and changes in our faces… our laughter and fun reminding us of why we will always be close friends.
Jeremy & Justin (1999)
Jeremy & Justin (May 2008)
Me & Stace BFF (May 2008):
Stacey had tried to get pregnant for years, just like me. So you can imagine how completely awesome and ironic it was that we both announced our pregnancy (with Bella and Niki) in the same phone call to one another, and gave birth to our beautiful girls within two weeks of one another. Those girls were probably meant to grow up together. They were like peas and carrots:
I made Niki & Bella matching pillowcase dresses– They loved them. They played together so wonderfully and seemed to know each other for a long, long time– much longer than 3 years. They didn’t call one another by their names, they called each other “Friend”:
We had an unbelievable time. They left yesterday and it took me a few hours to get over the blues of them being gone again. We hope to plan a trip to meet with them in Florida this Fall. Hopefully everything will work out for us to do that.
Meanwhile, I am busy putting our house back together after 7 days of no house chores or laundry. I’m missing the sound of Niki and Bella playing in the yard, the way Stacey is always up for taking a shot of Crown with me, the games of Spades on our dining room table. What a memorable, wonderful week! Stacey, Justin, and Niki: We love you guys!
I like to keep an eye on my stats for this site. Mostly because I have time to and because I’m curious. Lately I’ve noticed some regular visitors that don’t comment (or just haven’t yet). While I know that’s part of having a public domain, I’d like to extend an invitation to you to introduce yourself. Don’t be shy. Humor me. Say hello!
Oh, and if you don’t like an audience, you could always email me!
I’ve spent many, many years reliving regret over mom’s death. I have always had tendency towards guilt, and mom’s death was no exception. Mom’s death probably defined and emphasized that tendency. But, until recently, I never really put things together completely.
I was riding in the car with Austin and the babies a few weeks ago. I was having a weird week in general and with Mother’s Day and mom’s would-have-been 52nd birthday approaching… it just kind of added to the funk. I’ve been taking Zoloft for a few months and it’s helped me tremendously. This particular week I had run out of pills and was on my 7th day of withdrawls when it all came to a head. Needless to say, I won’t let my prescription run out again anytime soon.
We were driving to town. The babies played quietly in the back seats and Austin was telling me a story about this girl he goes to school with. Her mother has cancer, is a single parent, and is trying to make up for some of her mistakes now that her daughter is a teenager and she is facing the possibility of death. The mother went on a field trip with the daughter recently. The daughter kept yelling at her mom to ‘Go Away’, obnoxiously trying to exclude her, and making her mother sit alone while the class went out for lunch. When I heard the story, my heart curdled. This child has no idea. She has no idea. And if I could let her see inside my mind for a few moments… She would know. You’ll only have one momma this time around. You had better hold tight to her.
As soon as Austin was done with the story, I started crying. I bawled outloud and started releasing a little secret that has crushing my spirit for so long… This tale of Susan’s last few days here with me… (you can start here if you’re a new reader)
Mom was usually pretty short on money. She was a single mother, so that says enough in itself. We took an annual trip in October to the mountains with her best friend (Helen), but this particular year (1988), mom was exceptionally tight on money. I remember hearing her talk on the phone to Helen and my grandmother, trying to make arrangements to borrow money from them so that we could go on this special vacation. I felt bad that she was struggling to get the money together. I know it must have been humbling for her to borrow money, especially for a vacation. But, being a self indulged 12 year old, I wanted her to borrow the money. I wanted the vacation.
The morning of October 15th, we woke up early and loaded the car for our trip. My mom called Helen and my grandmother one last time to make sure they didn’t mind lending the money. We hit the road around 8 am and were to arrive in the mountains somewhere right after lunch. When we first began our trip, mom started reminding me that she was borrowing the money to go on the trip and that meant that we probably wouldn’t be able to do the things we normally did on this vacation– such as Tweetsy Railroad. I immediately got angry because I couldn’t imagine going to the mountains and not doing things that cost money. I went on and on. I pitched a fit. Finally mom pulled off the interstate, stopped the car, turned it off, and looked at me…
“Stephanie. Let’s just go home. I have enough money that we could go out to eat and go see a movie. Let’s just go home, OK? We can have fun, we’ll do something together.”
I started crying, putting on my Stepherz drama, and guilting her into getting back on the road. Back on the road to a place that ended in her death. And if I wouldn’t have been so selfish, so self centered… She would be here now. There’s no other way to look at that. She stopped the car! She gave me the choice. She looked me in the eyes and practically pleaded with me not to be so stubborn and selfish. And my choice was the wrong choice. I’ll live with that for the rest of my days.
I know there was no way I could have known that Helen’s husband would kill them. Obviously if I would have known, I would have chosen differently. But what’s true is true. And the truth is that she might have been here today had I just said, “Ok, Mom. Let’s go home.”
That was a heavy burden to carry for the first few years after mom died. I was so ashamed that I didn’t tell anyone. It sat and festered. I’ve only recently even talked about it. It’s difficult to change how I interpret it now, I’ve carried it as guilt for so long. But I’m working on it. Ya know, I was just a kid. All kids are pretty selfish. There’s just a handful who have something like this as a result of that selfishness, to carry around on their backs for a lifetime. I have to forgive myself for it, because I know mom did.
So, I guess I wanted to share that little (BIG) secret. I always wonder what kind of things make a person who they are. What have they seen? What do they know? What happened in their childhoods that help define who they became as adults.
There’s another pinch of stuff in the Stepherz recipe…
Friday @ 5:00 pm:
“Is Daddy home!?”
“Yayyy. Daddy is home!”
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I’ve been pretty busy lately– working in the yard, sewing, and getting our house ready for a visit from our best friends. Stacey and Justin and their daughter Niki will be here in 6 days! I’m so excited, I can’t stand it!
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I’ve made Bella a few little dresses. I wish I knew how to sew boy’s clothes because I’d make some cute stuff for Noah too. I’ve bought a few patterns at WalMart but when I open them up and start trying to figure them out, I get overwelmed and end up putting them away. I’m just not ready for structured sewing, I guess. I’ve never been one for following directions.
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I want to finish loading my Etsy shop, but have been pretty lazy about it. It’s kind of boring writing descriptions and uploading pictures and such– my attention span is so short. Not my favorite thing to do when the babies finally got to bed. I’d rather sew, or do a number of other things.
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Austin’s dad just left for Afghanistan for 6 months. I think Austin is worried about him and it makes me sad he didn’t get to spend some time with him before he left. My prayers are with his family, with him, with all of the troops stationed far, far away in lands that aren’t as peaceful as ours…
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I planted some Honeysuckle this weekend and am super excited about it. I loved honeysuckle as a youngster, it’s one of my favorite southern flowers. I never knew that it could be planted here, so I was happy to see them at WalMart with a label that said they were a zone 4 flower. I planted them Friday and they are already climbing my deck rails like champions. It makes my heart smile.
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Yesterday was an amazing day. We woke up early and went to several yard sales. I found Noah a big dump truck, a clown to hang in his room, some cute overalls, and a little lawnmower. Bella got a cute little horse, but there wasn’t much for girls this time. I bought some candles and 2 vases for my roses. After we got home, we made some chicken on the grill, corn on the cob, and mac-n-cheese. After the babies went to bed, we left Austin to babysitting while we went for a quick trip to the casino. We lost $30 in about 15 minutes and then decided to cash out and go eat again at the burger joint attached to the casino. It was a lovely ending to a lovely day.
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And that’s what’s going on in Stepherzland. What have you been up to this weekend?
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