I went to see the doctor early, today rather than Friday, because of the very slight spotting. The spotting has ceased, but I was still worried. They did an exam and the cervix looked pregnant and my uterus measured 10/11 weeks, just as it should. We listened for a heartbeat and couldn’t hear anything on the doppler. So I drank 50 cups of water and waited for the ultrasound tech to consider my bladder full enough to get a good read on the US machine.

Sweet Lil’ Sticker was stickin’, but his little heart wasn’t tickin’. My little bubs measured 9 weeks and 5 days, I am 10 weeks and 2 days.

I’m feeling really blue about it. I guess I had sort of tried to make myself numb to feeling any emotion, and I thought I would be “prepared” either way. But I’m really bummed. I imagined him/her. I named him/ her. Sophia if she was a girl, Elijah if it were a boy. And it’s taken 5+ weeks to get me excited about him/her, so it’s going to take some time to readjust to the idea of not expecting.

I signed the consent forms for my tubal ligation. I have 30 days to change my mind, but I’m sure I won’t. I’ll have a d&c next week, after my cervix has some time to soften unless I start bleeding before then, and then I’ll have surgery sooner.

I heard the words “fetal demise” a million times today– nurses, docs, lab techs, ultrasound techs. What a hard thing to hear. Those words are so hard to wrap around my brain right now. It’s just so hard to explain. I have so much to be grateful for. But, this is a weird, selfish kind of hurt that I’m feeling. This morning I was excited and shopped on eBay for fetal dopplers. I wore maternity clothes to my doctor’s appointment. Tonight I’m writing this to you. How many emotions can a person feel in one day?

Thank you for your well wishing and support, y’all. I’m going to be just fine, especially since I have this amazing family who are all working together to treat me so sweetly tonight. Drop a little prayer for us, for healing. And for all the other mommas out there feeling my same sadness tonight.