So I haven’t had any spotting for 6 days! Yooo-hoo. I’ve also done some research on my diagnosis. Since it’s the #1 cause of 2nd trimester bleeding, I think it should be talked about. And I think I’ll talk about the feelings I’m having that go with, since that’s what this blog is about.
We have 52% chance that we’re going to make it through this to the end. Fifty two. That’s a GREAT number. It means that we have a chance at all. That’s all I can ask for.
The hematomas are dangerous because they threaten to dislodge the pregnancy. They can also inhibit nutrients and oxygen from getting to the baby as well as take room away from where the baby is trying to grow. They are basically large clots or sores on the lining of the uterus that they think started off as a small blood vessel that popped when implantaion occured. The hematoma is basically an irritant that may also cause the uterus to contract. A contracting uterus can be a bad thing in the 2nd trimester. The ultimate goal is to await the body dissolving the hematoma. But in the meantime, doctors like to see the baby outgrow the hematoma. I don’t think most women get more than one hematoma, I have two. One large that the baby has almost gotten as big as, one very small that the baby has outgrown.
I think that I’ve had this tendency all along. I think nomally I just have the problem sooner. Apparently the sooner the diagnosis is made, the more likely you are to have a miscarriage. It becomes less likely that you will lose the pregnany the longer you make it. By 20 weeks the issue is usually resolved. In subsequent pregnancies (if I chose to have more), they would put me on Heparin and baby aspirin as if to treat me for clotting tendencies, and Progesterone to make the womb more sticky. It’s too late to start these in the 2nd trimester.
It’s apparently controversial whether bedrest helps. Some doctors prescribe it because there is nothing that anyone can do to change the outcome either way– it’s a waiting game. But some doctors say that other doctors only prescribe bedrest to ease the mothers conscience if something goes wrong. Other doctors insist that daily activities, lifting, walking, moving actually motivate the hematoma to grow rather than heal, or finally just dislodge the pregnancy altogether.
Obviously my doctor is very addiment about me being on bedrest. And I am 100% convinced that, for me, it is helping. I had unbelievable cramps last weekend. I also spotted all last weekend. But I’ve gone all week with no spotting or major cramping since I’ve been in bed. It makes sense: If you had an injured leg, you wouldn’t run on it until you gave it time to heal. Why wouldn’t you rest your injured womb, especially since that womb is holding something precious. Someone special.
My miscarriages were quite different because the baby had always found his demise before the pregnancy found its demise. In this situation, the pregnancy is trying to give up but the baby isn’t letting go. There is something so unbelievably touching and wonderful about that and yet also so heartbreaking too. Motherhood Guilt begins in the womb, ya’ll. It begins in the womb and lasts for the rest of a lifetime. Thank goodness the goodness counteracts the guilt.
I can’t wait to meet my little person. I’ve always loved the round wonderfulness that is pregnancy. But this time I just want to fast forward to my due date. So I can meet this eager, resilient little soul! This little spirit that has diligently tried to join our family, enduring the miscarriages and hematomas and doubt with me only to pop up a few months later as a plus sign on a stick. Over and over. Diligently trying until God says, “Go.” And then he can stay, and bring me all of the goodness that goes with being his mommy. I just can’t wait!
Do you see what bedrest is doing to me? I’m losing my mind. This is how I entertain myself? Someone send me some bootlegged girly movies STAT. I was actually doing the bedrest shimmy while listening to this…
And don’t act like it didn’t make you wanna dance too…
I’d like to tell y’all about a friends Avon site. You already know how wonderful Avon is– It’s a product that’s been around long enough that we already know the reputation. I used to be addicted, but I can’t find a soul who sells it around here. I never have a whole bunch of extra money, which is alright by Avon. They don’t mind what kind of budget you have. They have such affordable products that you can spend $10 a month on girly stuff and yet still get the product fix you need (every woman needs a product fix). I know with some other products $10 would get you a frown of disapproval from the seller and that’s about it.
Lastly, do you love Skin So Soft!? SSS smells like my childhood– the way my mom used to coat me up with the original oil and send me out to play with the bugs and mosquitoes in the swamps of SC. Those critters do not like SSS. Coat your youngins up in it and not only will they not get carried away by nasty buggers, but they’ll smell wonderful too! Good smelling kids and a smooth, silky momma are all the world needs. (And Jeremy loves taking a bath in SSS too. Don’t tell him I told you. Apparently manly men like having soft good smelling skin too)
Go check out Jenny’s store here! Seriously. Do it!
I had this all planned out. I was going to tell you about it this week, on my birthday, February 25th, because that date not only marked that of my 33rd birthday, but also of the official entrance into my second trimester…
I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of January. I was on Depo Provera and was almost due for my next shot when I started noticing some weird symptoms. I was gaining major weight even though my eating habits hadn’t changed. My boobs were ginormous and also quite pissed off if anyone even looked NEAR them. All the symptoms of a pregnancy. But that’s impossible! I was on Depo! I hadn’t even had a period since September or October of 2008 because of the Depo. Don’t you have to have a period to be fertile? Don’t birth control methods do just that– Control Birth? Obviously not. I bought a test for shits and giggles and the darn thing said PREGGERS.
But I wasn’t telling anyone but Jeremy this time. NO ONE. I don’t mind doing the telling, but I hate the “untelling” when I miscarry. I figured, shit, I’ll tell everyone (including you) when I enter my second trimester. I found out through several ultrasounds that my second trimester started on my birthday. So, I’d celebrate 2 wonderful things on one day.
I strated showing at 8 weeks. No, I mean really showing. I couldn’t even hide the bump. Strangers would ask me when I was due. So the people who knew my body type knew something was up. I let them all believe I was just gaining some weight for a couple of weeks. But at 10 weeks, I broke down and bought a couple of cute maxi dresses and let the bump shine in all it’s glory. HELL YEAH I’m pregnant! And I told some of my friends…
I was going to tell YOU on my birthday. I planned it weeks ago. I was going to fix my hair pretty and put on my favorite maxi dress and pose (with my bump) for the camera.
Just as soon as I did start spreading the word, I started noticing a tiny bit of spotting. I wasn’t terribly alarmed. A little though. I just called my doc, who was out of town, and the on call nurse told me to go to the ER. I told her I can’t afford ER bills. She said that brown spotting wasn’t a terrible sign, just hold off, and if it turned red go to the ER. It never turned red. In fact, it actually stopped for a few days. It started again and then went away for a few more days. Finally my doc got back from vacation yesterday. He sent me for a sonogram at the hospital. Here’s the email I sent to my MOPS group. I can’t write it all over again because I just haven’t the heart to go through it right now. I guess I’m sharing this because I know whatever the outcome is, that I need friends. I need encouragement and prayers. And I’m going to need this blog probably more than ever…
“Hi everyone,
I’m so sorry we couldn’t make it to McDonald’s today. It’s not my nature to make plans and then back out last minute. But I’ve had a super rough day and wanted to share it with you– a few extra prayers right now would be good for us.
As you know I’d been spotting a teensy bit since about 10 weeks. But I tried not to worry because, not only was it minimal, but I rented a Doppler machine to listen to the babe’s heart whenever I was feeling blue and I always heard a healthy little gallop beat when I needed to. There’s such peace in that sound. I finally got through to my doctor who was on vacation for 2 weeks (the on-call people would just tell me to go to the ER– for spotting!? Great advice to give someone who doesn’t have health insurance).
The doctor sent me for an ultrasound yesterday. I watched the screen and everything looked beautiful to me– a happy little baby jumping around, perfect heartbeat, sucking on his hands and dancing around. Unbelievable cute– he was a baby now, not just a funny looking little fetus.
But the tech kept measuring something in the womb, frowning, not explaining anything, being very vague but obviously concerned. “Your doctor will explain my findings.” So I went to my Dr after the ultrasound apt. He didn’t have the report yet so he told me not to worry, that it was probably just fine, get rest, no stress, he said he’d call when he got the report. He did finally call, this morning, just as I was putting coats on the kids to head into town for our McDonalds playdate. Apparently there is 2 “subchorionic hematomas” which are “very extensive” on my uterus– causing the spotting. This is all a bunch of Greek to me. They told me that basically there are big bleeding sores that could get worse or better at this point. Since the baby is “viable and healthy”, all they can do is put me on bed rest and hope that it heals. It will always be suseptible to bleed, may cause problems later in the pregnancy, I’ll possibly be on bed rest on and off the whole time, and in general it just doesn’t have a good prognosis, blah, blah, blah. But. I’m not going to just give up! What can I do!? My brain is telling me to get out of bed and play with my kids, quit feeling sorry for myself, clean the house, cook the dinner. Bedrest is much easier for someone who is in their 3rd trimester, but in the beginning of the 2nd trimester!? Ughhh!
But my conscience is telling me that there’s hope for that little fella in my tummy and I’m not giving up on him– I’m going to lie in bed and hope that our family can adjust to the change. I do already feel such a connection to his resilient, sweet little soul. I want to know him and hold him one day.. The odds have been against us having another baby– 3 losses last year alone, 5 in the years before that. I intended to quit trying to have another because 3 really is a beautiful number. My heart couldn’t endure another loss anyways. No. But God had a plan. I got pregnant on birth control with this one. What are the chances that something that seemed SOOOO meant to be could go awry just when things were getting into the “safe zone”?
We don’t have family here to help. I’m on bedrest with 2 toddlers! And daycare lists are 4 miles long. I have an ad in the paper starting thursday for a “nanny” of sorts– helps with house chores and watches the kids here at the house. We’re also trying to get in with the Head Start program here which would work better financially for us.
So besides the heavy heart over the sweet little soul who already is having such a rough start, there’s some prayers also needed for the healing of my womb, and the childcare issue. I’m only officially on bedrest for the next 3 weeks when we’ll do another ultrasound to see if it is healing. If it is, I’ll probably always have to be very careful and need to be “restful” for the remainder of the pregnancy. But I’d be so grateful, even if I have to lie in bed for the next 5-6 months, if I just get a healthy little babe in the end…
Sorry for the long windedness. I majored in English because I like to talk on paper. Thanks for listening. I’ll be missing the next couple of MOPS meetings for sure, so I thought I’d let you guys know. Thanks for your thoughtfulness, prayers, and friendships…
"She fearlessly defeats monsters hiding in closets and under beds. She bravely conquers vast worlds of laundry on weekends. And she painstakingly protects her young with her nurturing love and her mighty mommy muscles..."
Thanks for listening. I’ll be missing the next couple of MOPS meetings for sure, so I thought I’d let you guys know. Thanks for your thoughtfulness, prayers, and friendships…