Was trying not to talk about it too much. I was trying to distract myself with fluffy positive posts about my daughter eating pancakes out of the trash. But really, this week has been a trying one for us (Jeremy in particular).
Jeremy has missed about two weeks of work from this whole bedrest ordeal. And that really hurts, in ways I can’t even tell you. Especially since we’re not exactly saving money these days– we’re spending it. In fact we’re spending $1200 more than we were spending last month. That’s a lot of money for us.
Anyeatingbeansandriceeveryday, we thought we had moved on to better days. Now that the kids were in school, Jeremy could work again. Last week was an adjustment for Jeremy– having to take 2 kids to 2 different schools before work, picking 2 kids up from 2 different schools after work, grocery shopping, errand running, coming home, feeding kids, baths, teeth, books, bed. CHAOS! Poor Jeremy. The poor guy was just thankful through all of that that he was able to WORK and make money for our family.
This Monday, Jeremy gets to work. Noah’s school calls and says he has a fever. Jeremy leaves work and gets Noah. They go to the doctor (yayy! another bill!?), Noah is feeling better by that evening, BAM, Bella has a 103 fever, is coughing and throwing up. Noah is all better but Jeremy misses work Tuesday because Bella is a in a really, really bad way. We talked about it and decided that Wednesday he HAS to go to work, so bedrest or no bedrest, she’s staying with me and I’m going to nurse her for the day. Wednesday morning comes, and? And? Stephanie wakes up bleeding again. After 16 days of no bleeding, it’s back. And it hurts. If I didn’t know any better I would think I was miscarrying because the cramps are so bad. Or, I guess it’s not a miscarriage in the 2nd trimester. It’s premature labor. And my head can’t even go there.
While I lie here and want to cry, I have a 4 year old who IS crying because she’s soooooo soooooo sick. I need to go to the emergency room because my doctor is out of town (again) but I can’t drag a sick little girl to the emergency room! And I refuse to let Jeremy leave work for this because there’s nothing we can do anyways. Ya know?
This too shall pass. Right? This is one teensy itty bitty segment in our lives. And one day we’ll look back on it and it won’t seem so big.
Pray for my sick baby girl, will you? For my tough little resilient baby too. And my sweet husband who is enduring it all…
I had an OB appointment yesterday. It was pretty tiring just getting up, getting ready, getting there, waiting, waiting, talking with doc, doing a pap (ughh), and then finally leaving. I was OVER IT by the time I got home. I was crampy and edgy.
There was a perfect little heartbeat (which I already knew because I have a doppler at home) and the doc thinks things might be alright. But he isnt sugar coating anything. He says he sees more than half of women finishing a full term healthy pregnancy with these hematomas, but he has also seen some losses. It’s a waiting game.
You know, I wish it could just be a normal prengancy. Geez. I can’t imagine how awesome it would be to have one flipping pregnancy that I didn’t worry myself sick and chissel 5 years off of the end of my life span over. The doctor started talking about a woman’s instict this or that and I said, “Well, maybe SOME women have instinct and intuition. But I’ve lost touch with that after 8 miscarriages.”
I was watching this video of this gal on Youtube who is on bedrest from a hematoma and she’s trusting in that “positive thinking” is all it’s going to take. Huh? Oh, that’s the secret? Oh, ok. Good to know. Let me just turn that “Positive Thinking” switch on and BAM, it’s just all going to be alright. Ok. I did it. I’m all positive and shit now. See? Lalalallalallllllaaaaa. I’m soooo P-o-s-i-t-i-v-e! Wish I would have know about the “positive thinking” thing 8 LOSSES AGO! But then I’d have 12 babies. And that would be a little crazy, wouldn’t it?
I sound a bit bitter, don’t I? I’m not really. I’m just a little flustered right now. I’ve had cramps since yesterday and I’m just really bummed because I don’t have sonogram sight so I could look in there and see this hematoma. Maybe even put a bit of peroxide, a salve, a bandaid, a kiss on that mean sucker. Something. I guess the bedrest is the only something I can do right now. Quit whinin’ Steph and BE POSITIVE.
Now on to happier things… I have an ultrasound scheduled for the 16th. And I’ll be like 16 weeks! Know what that means? Might get to see whether this little fella is carrying a “peanut” or a “jar”. Something to look forward to!! Yahoooo.
I’ve not got any books to read yet. I might read A Thousand Splendid Suns again. It really was a haunting book and I liked the characters so so much. I’ve also planned to make some paper roses– they are really fun to create and so, so pretty. They make great gifts and Mother’s Day is coming up so I need to get busy. I’ve been having nausea still too, so I think naps will be in order. I have my computer to doodle on for a back up activity. I might try writing again if I can get inspired– perhaps lying outside on a lawn chair will get me there. It’s been 55-60 degrees this weekend, way different than the weather in the South, and my whole soul needed the sunshine. Jeremy set me outside today with a glass of tea and a bunch of cushions and pillows from the couch. I could watch the kids play on the swingset and listen to the sounds of my neighborhood waking from it’s winter slumber. The yard is nearly completely thawed and I see little sprigs of green grass popping out of the ground. I saw a few confused little bees swarming around. It was fun to watch how Bella reacted to them. She was quite scared, surprisingly. That’s not something I remember about her from last years warmth.
And I thought about painting while I lie here too. I’m not very good at it. But that’s what’s so neat about art. It’s so much more personal than a photograph. It’s like a memory– left to interpretation– capturing emotion and love and heart. It’s your mind’s interpretation of an image or memory and then your hand’s interpretation of that. However it turns out is exactly how it was meant to. No mistakes.
I’m a little worried the blues will kick in on Monday. I’ve had the kids and Jeremy here with me for the first week of bedrest. (Wowza, that’s gonna hurt on his next paycheck). If I think too much about how my world is changing, I get a lump in my throat. And it seems silly, I know, because I have it made in the shade it seems. I have the whole day to be lazy and alone. Most mothers wish they could have that. But I actually feel a little bit cheated. I know it’s a blessing to have this baby with me still, and I am grateful for God’s blessing. I already adore this little one; the sacrifices are so worth it. But I am going to miss my big babies so much, and I can’t help but to mourn the changes we’re seeing. I’ll miss them driving me nuts with their noisy sibling rivalry. I’ll miss the tantrums (did I say that?). I’ll miss taking them to the library, or the parks, or the Children’s Museum. I’ll miss finger painting and making playdough foods. I’ll miss potty training. I’ll miss planting seeds with them. I’ll miss always having someone to talk to, and having someone to listen to every word I say as if it is so important. I’m like a movie star when they are with me. They adore me. I’ll miss that fame and importance. The only company I have is my bed crumbs.
My sweet Noah is off to school tomorrow for the first time and I won’t even be able to meet his teacher or drop him off with a kiss on the cheek. Bella is so eager and excited for her first day that I feel selfish for ever making her stay at home with me. She wants to go and be with her friends. And I’m so happy she does and so sad that I might not have been enough this whole time. Just because she fulfilled me doesn’t mean she was fulfilled. My best friend is 4 years old.
I have another lump in my throat. And my chin is doing that weird quivery thing. Breath. Ok. I’m alright.
I meant to do so much more with them. And I still had time to, I thought. But now I feel my time is up. It will never be like it was a week ago, before things changed, before mommy got summoned to the bed. When the baby comes I will keep them in school for a bit longer, but then take them out again to stay at home– the 4 of us. But it’ll be different. You know? Does that make sense? It’ll be special and fun and neat. But I think I’ll always miss that we didn’t have a little bit more closure to this little wonderful “way we were.” Or sad that there had to be an end to the “way we were” at all.
I think these kids are my identity, as healthy or unhealthy as that may be. I’m sure some doctor would say that I’m disfunctional in a loving way; but disfunctional none the less. They are the air I breath and my thoughts, my dreams, my whole wide world. It’s going to be such an adjustment not to spend my days with them. I will survive it though. It’ll just be a HUGE adjustment for me. I think I have some tendencies towards seperation anxiety, wouldn’t you say? Maybe motherless mommys have that tendency. In fact I’m certain there’s a connection there somewhere.
Enough about my woes– how about my blessings!? I have no reason to complain– I think God is definitely smiling down on me and I am so so happy for that! No spotting, minimal cramping, all signs point toward healing! And have I told you? Jeremy is so unbelievably good hearted. He is doing it all! Bathtimes, storytime, toothbrushing, cooking, cleaning, laundry, and waiting on me hand and foot as if I am a worthy Goddess. He’s amazing. I’m the luckiest woman on EARTH!
Here’s to a smooth transition: for the kids into school, and for me into a quiet home. A comfortable 2nd week of bedrest. Not too many lumps in the throat. Lots of good little naps. Tons of healing. A good book. And some time to connect with my new little person.
So I haven’t had any spotting for 6 days! Yooo-hoo. I’ve also done some research on my diagnosis. Since it’s the #1 cause of 2nd trimester bleeding, I think it should be talked about. And I think I’ll talk about the feelings I’m having that go with, since that’s what this blog is about.
We have 52% chance that we’re going to make it through this to the end. Fifty two. That’s a GREAT number. It means that we have a chance at all. That’s all I can ask for.
The hematomas are dangerous because they threaten to dislodge the pregnancy. They can also inhibit nutrients and oxygen from getting to the baby as well as take room away from where the baby is trying to grow. They are basically large clots or sores on the lining of the uterus that they think started off as a small blood vessel that popped when implantaion occured. The hematoma is basically an irritant that may also cause the uterus to contract. A contracting uterus can be a bad thing in the 2nd trimester. The ultimate goal is to await the body dissolving the hematoma. But in the meantime, doctors like to see the baby outgrow the hematoma. I don’t think most women get more than one hematoma, I have two. One large that the baby has almost gotten as big as, one very small that the baby has outgrown.
I think that I’ve had this tendency all along. I think nomally I just have the problem sooner. Apparently the sooner the diagnosis is made, the more likely you are to have a miscarriage. It becomes less likely that you will lose the pregnany the longer you make it. By 20 weeks the issue is usually resolved. In subsequent pregnancies (if I chose to have more), they would put me on Heparin and baby aspirin as if to treat me for clotting tendencies, and Progesterone to make the womb more sticky. It’s too late to start these in the 2nd trimester.
It’s apparently controversial whether bedrest helps. Some doctors prescribe it because there is nothing that anyone can do to change the outcome either way– it’s a waiting game. But some doctors say that other doctors only prescribe bedrest to ease the mothers conscience if something goes wrong. Other doctors insist that daily activities, lifting, walking, moving actually motivate the hematoma to grow rather than heal, or finally just dislodge the pregnancy altogether.
Obviously my doctor is very addiment about me being on bedrest. And I am 100% convinced that, for me, it is helping. I had unbelievable cramps last weekend. I also spotted all last weekend. But I’ve gone all week with no spotting or major cramping since I’ve been in bed. It makes sense: If you had an injured leg, you wouldn’t run on it until you gave it time to heal. Why wouldn’t you rest your injured womb, especially since that womb is holding something precious. Someone special.
My miscarriages were quite different because the baby had always found his demise before the pregnancy found its demise. In this situation, the pregnancy is trying to give up but the baby isn’t letting go. There is something so unbelievably touching and wonderful about that and yet also so heartbreaking too. Motherhood Guilt begins in the womb, ya’ll. It begins in the womb and lasts for the rest of a lifetime. Thank goodness the goodness counteracts the guilt.
I can’t wait to meet my little person. I’ve always loved the round wonderfulness that is pregnancy. But this time I just want to fast forward to my due date. So I can meet this eager, resilient little soul! This little spirit that has diligently tried to join our family, enduring the miscarriages and hematomas and doubt with me only to pop up a few months later as a plus sign on a stick. Over and over. Diligently trying until God says, “Go.” And then he can stay, and bring me all of the goodness that goes with being his mommy. I just can’t wait!
"She fearlessly defeats monsters hiding in closets and under beds. She bravely conquers vast worlds of laundry on weekends. And she painstakingly protects her young with her nurturing love and her mighty mommy muscles..."
Maybe motherless mommys have that tendency. In fact I’m certain there’s a connection there somewhere.