Something to tell you…

I’m so sorry we couldn’t make it to McDonald’s today. It’s not my nature to make plans and then back out last minute. But I’ve had a super rough day and wanted to share it with you– a few extra prayers right now would be good for us.

As you know I’d been spotting a teensy bit since about 10 weeks. But I tried not to worry because, not only was it minimal, but I rented a Doppler machine to listen to the babe’s heart whenever I was feeling blue and I always heard a healthy little gallop beat when I needed to. There’s such peace in that sound. I finally got through to my doctor who was on vacation for 2 weeks (the on-call people would just tell me to go to the ER– for spotting!? Great advice to give someone who doesn’t have health insurance).

The doctor sent me for an ultrasound yesterday. I watched the screen and everything looked beautiful to me– a happy little baby jumping around, perfect heartbeat, sucking on his hands and dancing around. Unbelievable cute– he was a baby now, not just a funny looking little fetus.

But the tech kept measuring something in the womb, frowning, not explaining anything, being very vague but obviously concerned. “Your doctor will explain my findings.” So I went to my Dr after the ultrasound apt. He didn’t have the report yet so he told me not to worry, that it was probably just fine, get rest, no stress, he said he’d call when he got the report. He did finally call, this morning, just as I was putting coats on the kids to head into town for our McDonalds playdate. Apparently there is 2 “subchorionic hematomas” which are “very extensive” on my uterus– causing the spotting. This is all a bunch of Greek to me. They told me that basically there are big bleeding sores that could get worse or better at this point. Since the baby is “viable and healthy”, all they can do is put me on bed rest and hope that it heals. It will always be suseptible to bleed, may cause problems later in the pregnancy, I’ll possibly be on bed rest on and off the whole time, and in general it just doesn’t have a good prognosis, blah, blah, blah. But. I’m not going to just give up! What can I do!? My brain is telling me to get out of bed and play with my kids, quit feeling sorry for myself, clean the house, cook the dinner. Bedrest is much easier for someone who is in their 3rd trimester, but in the beginning of the 2nd trimester!? Ughhh!

But my conscience is telling me that there’s hope for that little fella in my tummy and I’m not giving up on him– I’m going to lie in bed and hope that our family can adjust to the change. I do already feel such a connection to his resilient, sweet little soul. I want to know him and hold him one day.. The odds have been against us having another baby– 3 losses last year alone, 5 in the years before that. I intended to quit trying to have another because 3 really is a beautiful number. My heart couldn’t endure another loss anyways. No. But God had a plan. I got pregnant on birth control with this one. What are the chances that something that seemed SOOOO meant to be could go awry just when things were getting into the “safe zone”?

We don’t have family here to help. I’m on bedrest with 2 toddlers! And daycare lists are 4 miles long. I have an ad in the paper starting thursday for a “nanny” of sorts– helps with house chores and watches the kids here at the house. We’re also trying to get in with the Head Start program here which would work better financially for us.

So besides the heavy heart over the sweet little soul who already is having such a rough start, there’s some prayers also needed for the healing of my womb, and the childcare issue. I’m only officially on bedrest for the next 3 weeks when we’ll do another ultrasound to see if it is healing. If it is, I’ll probably always have to be very careful and need to be “restful” for the remainder of the pregnancy. But I’d be so grateful, even if I have to lie in bed for the next 5-6 months, if I just get a healthy little babe in the end…

Sorry for the long windedness. I majored in English because I like to talk on paper. Thanks for listening. I’ll be missing the next couple of MOPS meetings for sure, so I thought I’d let you guys know. Thanks for your thoughtfulness, prayers, and friendships…