I was doing my usual daily gag on Celebrity gossip when I stumbled across this post about Mandy Moore. No he didn’t call her “freakishly tall”!? What is wrong with this world? The girl is 5′10″ and she’s a freak!? I’m soooo taking that personal. (**Actually I’m not, I just want to have some fun)

Is a woman not feminine if she is over a certain height? I think he’s scared. And he should be because my size 9 stiletto might put a hurtin’ on his bitty ego. He’s probably 5′6″ tall, bald, with a hairy back. So, in her defense, in my defense, in the defense of every woman who, as a child, drank lots of hormone induced milk and steroid pumped McDonald’s cheeseburgers:

Dear Mr. Short Stuff,

I’m not humored by your insults to Mandy or the tall women readers who used to read your celebrity gossip site. I’m sorry that you are sad about being a short man. I’m also sorry that a tall trophy wife will never fit under your arm. But there are a lot of women out there that would, if you quit with the insults, love you just the way you are. Even if they do have to stare down at your “freakishly” bald head. There is nothing that she could do to make herself shorter for you, but there is something out there could help you with your dilemma. Because it is a man’s world, I present to you:

Since you are the kind of guy who has obviously got a thing for us freakishly tall women, but probably haven’t got a lick of tact for getting chicks, I’d like to introduce you to the best alternative you’ll be able to get at the rate you’re going. Introducing the Sigourney Weaver blow-up doll:

She’s a Whopping 6 foot tall in real life, but since you are so into “freaks”, they went and made this sexy alternative a little bigger. Just for you.

And since wee little bald men like yourself often feel like less a man with the tall Geena Davis types, they also offer a little blue pill that can help you with your inferiority issues. They can’t make a gal shorter for all the little men in the world, but they can make a man bigger. Or better. Or whatever this pill is supposed to do. I’m sure another insecure male created this sucker just for you. Nevermind Cancer, HIV, or even West Nile Virus. All the male scientist of the world are busy working on this kind of stuff, just so you don’t have to feel bitter:

So, Wee Mean Man, let’s not shake too many fingers. Let’s not call too many names. I have an appreciation for short men, but not so much for hits below the waist. But that’s obviously the best you can do since your arms probably can’t reach above the waist, huh?

With that said, you should be nicer. There are a lot of really tall, beautiful, and feminine women out there. Alot more of us than there are of you freakishly mean fellows. And we don’t need a little blue pill to kick some butt, Buddy!

Sincerely,

Stepherz

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

** Just thought I’d add, for anyone who stumbles across this but doesn’t know me and my humor– I actually love people and I don’t really care what size they come! I even like the little guys. I have two of them and adore them! As far as baldness goes, my husband’s noggin’ is lacking hair and I LOVES me some shiney baldness! Just wanted to add that. You know. For all the SyngSyngs out there…