I caught up yesterday via e-mail with an old friend, Lauren. We talk electronically a couple times a year. When I go to NC, I always visit her while I’m there. I love her. She saved me more than once during my beginnings with motherhood. She literally is the funniest person I’ve ever known in my lifetime. This woman is a riot. If it’s coming out of her mouth, it’s going to make everyone around laugh. I don’t know how she does it.
I met Lauren in my Lamaze class back in 1995. I was sooo sad to be there, partnerless. I was living in a Maternity Home at that point, didn’t know a soul in that town, didn’t have a soul but the wee one growing in my belly. Well she was there partnerless too and we connected instantly! She was about 10 years older than me. We hit it off from the get-go and were best friends. She had her daughter Kirsten a few days before I had Austin. She was my only visitor at the hospital when I had him.
Kirsten and Austin grew up together closely for the first few years. They were like peas and carrots. I met Jeremy, she met Leah… I moved to Colorado, she moved out of Asheville… We just grew apart.
Anyways, I can’t wait to see her and Kirsten again. What lovely people they are! I told Lauren about Baby Caleb coming… Being the silly woman she is, she replied…
“Baby Caleb?????? Girlfriend, you need to change the locks on the door and don’t give that man a key. I heard you say you were having baby number 4? You so crazy girl! They all start talking at some point… you know this RIGHT?”
Lol…. Love those old friends. I haven’t outgrown her still…
I’ve lived in Colorado for 8 years. I have noticed from day one that I am different and don’t fit into that “Colorado Mom” clique thing. I’m sure that the women in my area are really nice. I’m sure that if I were someone other than me, I would blend right in and have friends. Perhaps it’s a behavioral thing on my part, perhaps it’s a social thing in my community. Maybe both. But I just haven’t made any genuine connections here and sometimes I’m just lonely for a girlfriend.
When I was younger, I found myself struggling to fit in with those pretty girls in school. Always awkward and lanky– never very graceful or outgoing. Now that I’m older, more confident, I find that I don’t fit in for different reasons. I don’t feel awkward or socially slow. I feel good about myself. And I sometimes wonder if that intimidates women.
I’ve actually had a “friend” tell me that she didn’t really feel comfortable hanging out with me around her husband because it made her feel insecure. Wha? And I’ve had a lot of women connect with me when I was looking a bit frumpy or comfortable, but when I’d see them again with a cute outfit on, fake lashes, nails, hair done, etc.– they didn’t have nearly the friendliness or sweetness as before. And what had changed? I didn’t change. I’m still me. Hellloooo? Remember me? Remember how we hit it off and our kids loved each other and we talked for hours at the park? What’s the cold shoulder all about?
There are gorgeous, beautiful women everywhere. It has nothing to do at all with superficial crap like skinny bodies and things on the surface. But some women like dolling up– SO WHAT!? Either you like a person or you don’t. But do you like a person more because they wear sweatpants with crocks and a nappy braid!?
Why are some women so catty?
I’m losing a friend right now, and I guess that’s where this post comes from. She listens to me and is attentive and supportive if I talk about quilting or arts. But if I talk about something like my diet going well, my new position with the Children’s Museum, my gym success, or MOST things I find important right now, she clams up and acts indifferent. I know she broke up with a friend a few months ago because she felt that friend was trying to be competitive with her and trying to make her feel bad about herself. That friend was simply learning to bake treats and make homemade cheese. But it made my friend feel inferior, so she “broke up” with that friend. Which is weird because her friend didn’t learn to make cheese JUST TO MAKE HER JEALOUS, or to make her feel inferior. She learned to make cheese because she wanted to! Geez. So now I feel like she doesn’t have this game to play with her old friend anymore, and now she’s directing it at me, and my successes.
But I’m not a competitive person and if I were, I’d have a nice hand of cards to play with. No worries there. I’d just rather not have any friends than to have a bunch of shallow competitive friendships.
The friend she broke up with also wore a low cut shirt to dinner at her house one night. My friend was all in tears later because, “she has these amazing breasts and why would she show them off like that to my husband at a family dinner?” Maybe she was showing them off because she can, but I doubt it had anything to do with your husband! Maybe you should show yours off too? Are you going to end a friendship because of something so menial? If so, perhaps the friendship never stood a chance in the first place. Perhaps no friendship would for you. Why don’t you just admit that you can’t have frienships without using them as an excuse for feeling like shit about yourself?
I recently shared with my friend that Bella had some cavities. I was stressed a bit about it because she’s only 3. The dentist assures me that it’s not our lifestyle or lack of hygiene– Bella just has very deep crevices in her molars and is therefore more susceptible to cavities. But my friend went and had her daughter’s teeth cleaned last week and she had no cavities. I’m so happy for her! That’s great! But the way my friend almost used it as a weapon is weird to me. She was talking to another mother about it today and kind of snidely looked back at me, “And Brandy went to the dentist and has NO CAVITIES. Yayyy.” But that look she gave me when she said it, it was so disconnected and catty. Why? Why are we competing? We used to be friends. I could tell her anything. She sent me flowers when I was sad! I gave her the best veggies in my garden. We spent our maternity leaves from work together and quit our jobs at the same time to be stay at home moms. I’ve seen her cry from a love lost and vomit from drinking too much. We were buddies. But now? It’s just so different. I’ve been waiting to see if it got better. And it isn’t, despite that I’ve tried to help it along. I think maybe people just outgrow one another. That’s what sets apart the friends from the soul mates, I guess.
And the whole thing make me so mad that I allowed it to give me the catty bug. I’m thinking, “What the hell, woman? Bella could have a mouth full of rotten teeth and still be way cuter and have way more personality than your perfect toofed brat!”
Someone slap me! Moods are contagious though, aren’t they? And when a friendship makes you feel yucky and makes ugly come out of you where it used to brighten you and uplift you– It’s time to move on.
I just miss sisterhood. Where is my BFF? And why is it so hard for women to just be strong in themselves and use that strength to encourage and empower other women they love? Food for thought… And, if you are a sistah, go and hug another sistah. Cyber hugs are just as good!
Hugs to you…
… and some prayers for my Penny.
My best girlfriend in the whole world is a sweet little Chihuahua named Penny (aka-”Neeners”). She was a gift from me to me when I found out 6 years ago that I couldn’t have any more kids. Well, obviously the doctors were a little wrong about me not having more babies. But Penny was the best gift I’ve ever given myself, I think. She’s SUCH a great friend.
But Penny has gotten really sick over the last 24 hours. She’s going to the Vet tomorrow. I don’t know what to think! She’s been kind of bummed out for the past week but I figured she was just being the emotional little thing that she is and was just mad at me for going camping without her weekend before last. Today I got home from running errands and it had gotten really bed. She won’t move. When she walks it’s very, very uncomfortable. It doesn’t appear to be stomach or nervous system related, but maybe muscular/skeletal. She won’t wag her tail, she won’t come when I call her. These things really trouble me because she follows me around like a shadow normally and right now she’s completely withdrawn.
Say a prayer for my best little friend, will you? I just love her so…
We had the most fantastic week! Stacey and Justin came with their wee one, Niki, last Saturday and we spent the week playing, eating, lounging, laughing, reminiscing… It was just like old times! We enjoyed many games of spades while they were here. Anyone who partnered with me was sure to lose and Stacey seemed to be the only one who didn’t mind. You can see from our scorecard that she and I were the “Galloping Girls” and she named the guy’s team the “Bantering Boys”. They didn’t like the word “Bantering” apparently, insisting that the word is “gay”. Just so you know, never use the word “bantering” in the same sentence you refer to your husband. It’s a bit uncomfortable for those manly men! 
Jeremy, Me, Justin & Stacey circa 1998
Jeremy, Me, Justin & Stacey May 2008
Just a little history: Jeremy, Austin, and I spent nearly every weekend with Stacey and Justin when we lived in Asheville. They were like family. We have so much history and we are lifelong friends. They are the only ones who know who I’m talking about when I mention ol’ “Hairy Mike” or “Crazy Judy” and they are the only ones who remember how cute Austin was when he waddled around in diapers.
Austin catching his first fish with Jeremy & Justin (circa 1999):
Me & Stace fishing off the tailgate (1999). True Southern Girls! Only we don’t hook the worms-YUCK!:
The whole time they were here we listened to 90’s alternative on Sirius Radio. It was the music we listened to then. It was interesting sitting around the table with our old friends… playing cards and enjoying drinks… laughing about some of the same things we did back then… observing the lines and changes in our faces… our laughter and fun reminding us of why we will always be close friends.
Jeremy & Justin (1999)
Jeremy & Justin (May 2008)
Me & Stace BFF (May 2008):
Stacey had tried to get pregnant for years, just like me. So you can imagine how completely awesome and ironic it was that we both announced our pregnancy (with Bella and Niki) in the same phone call to one another, and gave birth to our beautiful girls within two weeks of one another. Those girls were probably meant to grow up together. They were like peas and carrots:
I made Niki & Bella matching pillowcase dresses– They loved them. They played together so wonderfully and seemed to know each other for a long, long time– much longer than 3 years. They didn’t call one another by their names, they called each other “Friend”:
We had an unbelievable time. They left yesterday and it took me a few hours to get over the blues of them being gone again. We hope to plan a trip to meet with them in Florida this Fall. Hopefully everything will work out for us to do that.
Meanwhile, I am busy putting our house back together after 7 days of no house chores or laundry. I’m missing the sound of Niki and Bella playing in the yard, the way Stacey is always up for taking a shot of Crown with me, the games of Spades on our dining room table. What a memorable, wonderful week! Stacey, Justin, and Niki: We love you guys!
