When I lost my mom, it was Earth shattering. I was 12, and she was the only thing I really knew. I’m sure my life will know other great losses, but for now, she is the only love I’ve lost.
I don’t know if losing her quickly was a blessing. Some people have told me that we were lucky she didn’t suffer for a long time from illness. But I beg to differ. I think she suffered so greatly and profoundly in her last moments of life that we can not even imagine the pain. And there is so much about that that burdens me. That I never told her goodbye. That I let her leave mad that night. That we were even there at all.
My mom would be alive right now if it weren’t for me. And that’s a very heavy burden to carry. Not enough years can go by to numb that. She pulled over on the side of the road on the way to her death and said to me, “Stephanie, we don’t really have the money for this vacation. Let’s turn around. Let’s go home and spend time together. We could go see a movie instead. We can have fun at home.” And I threw a fit, and I guilted her, and she got back on the road. The road ended a few days later for her. And I live with that. She pulled over on the side of the road and asked me if we could turn around!
I know, I know. I was a kid. Kids are selfish and bratty and YOU CAN’T BLAME YOURSELF, Steph. But I do.
There were 3 other kids, Helen and James’ kids, that were involved in this great loss. They lost their mom too. I grew up with them. I lost contact with them after the murder trials. Their father was found innocent, somehow, and they went to finish their childhoods with him.
I recently found one of the kids, Darrell, on Facebook. I sent him a friend request. He was 7 when our moms died together, so I figured he probably didn’t remember me. And he barely did, but friended me anyways. And we’ve had friendly conversations on Facebook. I am grateful for that. I’m not sure why. None of it matters anymore. But I guess I am finding some forgiveness for James Gibbs through this little connection to his son. Helen’s son…
I really don’t have any good memories of James. And in my heart of hearts of hearts, I know he killed my mother and his wife. I know. I don’t need to prove it to anyone. There is no shadow of a doubt. I just know. Not because I need someone to blame. I just know. I knew that man for a lot of years and saw things the other kids were protected from (in my life before mom died and in the courtrooms after her loss)
I was going through some of Darrell’s photos on Facebook. I stumbled across some pictures of James… playing with his grandchildren… living life. I felt bitter. All of these years I imagined a cancer growing inside him, loneliness, a sad shell of a man living with his secret. I never imagined him laughing at family gatherings, dancing with his granddaughter, looking healthy and happy. There’s no cancer in these pictures. No sorrow. No loneliness. No regret. He looks well. And that makes my stomach curl, just a little bit.
The DNA, the witnesses, the evidence… it all added up to a perfect conviction. But he slipped through the cracks. And a copycat killer followed in his footsteps and committed the very same crime, in the very same way, in the very same spot because it was just. that. ironic. that he walked free. He danced free…
He should be rotting in a jail cell. Better yet, he shouldn’t be here at all. Living a lie. Dancing with an admiring granddaughter who will never know the secrets of that night.
You believe in karma? Well don’t. Karma is a cynical, sick joke that helps people like me feel better about being a victim.
Finally, in general I am alright about my mothers loss. It was unfortunate. I will always miss her. But I’m living a beautiful life. Today was just a reminder of something I keep tucked away safely. And it just made me a little bit sad. I just needed to get it off my chest…
Don’t buy your furniture there. They have terrible customer service and they treat you like a nim-witted idiot when THEY make a mistake.
First of all, American Home delivers the Sealy mattress WITHOUT law tags. There’s not even any evidence that the tags were ever there. AND? Then they deny our request for a new mattress when ours started caving in because of a tiny stain that is NO LONGER THERE and for the lack of law tags THAT WERE NEVER THERE! Are you serious?
Bad business. Very bad business. American Home, in this economy, you should value your reputation and treat loyal customers like they are important. I didn’t want my money back, I just wanted an exchange and to be treated fairly.
It’s unfortunate.
Posted by: stepherz | 02-07-2010 | 06:02 AM
Posted in: General | Comments (2)
I’m officially back into the 130’s, y’all. My size 8’s are baggy. Yahhhooooo!
16 more days til vaycay!16 more days of turkey and salad.
I went to Applebees on Saturday and tonight. Their 550 and under meals rock. Just so you know.
I have oatmeal with Jeremy every morning, the whole fam is eating veggies and fruit, and Kashi bars are my new best friend. So is turkey bacon! I microwave a few slices to go on my turkey sandwich at lunch. Add fat free cheese, some tomato, lettuce, garlic salt… I actually have eaten this sandwich for lunch every day for the last month. And I never get tired of it! My favorite dinner is low cal tortilla topped with egg beaters, sauteed veggies, salsa, and low fat sour cream. I eat that for dinner 4 nights a week because I love it so much.
On Valentine’s Day I’m taking Jeremy out to dinner for some Red Lobster!
Getting stoked for my vaycay where I intend to eat like crazy and come back home 10 pounds heavier. Chanda is taking me to PF Changs for dinner for my 21st birthday (ha) and then over to Cheesecake Factory to grab dessert! Jeremy is making me a homemade red velvet cake, it will be waiting for me when I get home from my trip. I’ll be living the good life this month, y’all!
And then in March, back to turkey bacon and oatmeal…
Posted by: stepherz | 02-04-2010 | 06:02 AM
Posted in: General | Comments (1)
We purchased a king sized mattress at American Home Furnishings of Farmington, NM less than one year ago. The bed seemed like a dream come true. Within the first couple of months, it proved to be otherwise…
We spent $1400 on this mattress. We’re young, fit, and average sized people. But the bed began caving in where our bodies lie. After only a few months of sleeping on the mattress, the body indentations were so prominent that we could no longer meet in the middle of the bed to cuddle and spoon. In the middle of the bed there is a large hump that is even visible when we aren’t lying on the mattress.
In addition, the mattress never came with a warranty label which is required by law. There were no signs that it had even even been applied to the bed– no strings hanging, no marks, no indication there was ever a label there…
American Home Furnishings of Albuquerque sent a representative by our house to access the mattress. He said that there were a few minor marks on the mattress that would likely void any warranty for us. First of all, there wasn’t even a warranty tag on the bed. Second, the marks on the bed were very superficial and I was able to wipe them off with a wet wipe. They were very minor and DID NOT cause the bed to make these unbelievable body indentations.
The bed is clearly not safe for our baby. If we, as grow adults, can hardly turn from side to side once our bodies sink into these cave-ins, Caleb cannot lie in this bed at all and be safe. I could understand this type of wear on a bed if it were 5 years old, maybe even 10 years. But this mattress is only a few months old!
For $1400, we shouldn’t wake up in pain. Sometimes one or both of us end up sleeping on the couch to be comfortable. Jeremy wakes with back pain and my hips hurt so bad all night that I can’t even sleep a wink without taking Tylenol PM before bed. I HAVE NEVER HAD PROBLEMS WITH MY HIPS! At first I thought it was because I had some extra weight from pregnancy. But I am back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and I am still hurting at night.
Please don’t insult my intelligence by saying that the minor, superficial spot on the bed is why this bed is not under warranty. This bed was obviously a re-call or returned because it is unacceptable because, otherwise, why was the warranty label missing?
Please, Sealy and American Home Furnishings, I am not a difficult person and I have NEVER wanted to exchange a product before, especially one of this size. But this is just down right unfair. Mattresses should last longer than 10 months. I want to sleep again. Just exchange the mattress…
Contact Stephanie and Jeremy L.: wwwstepherzcom@yahoo.com
Posted by: stepherz | 01-29-2010 | 06:01 AM
Posted in: General | Comments (2)
"She fearlessly defeats monsters hiding in closets and under beds. She bravely conquers vast worlds of laundry on weekends. And she painstakingly protects her young with her nurturing love and her mighty mommy muscles..."
